Shame, Secrets, & Suicide: When You Go Too Far
Shame, Secrets, & Suicide: When You Go Too Far
By Marie Reid
I am essentially a byproduct of a fling that started in Panama City. Those who know me, usually describe me as having a loud laugh with animated gestures. I usually have gum and carry a bag of sequins in my purse. You never know when you’ll need to party.
Growing up in a Christian home, I had a pretty grand life. Things weren't perfect, but my parents and sister have always been encouraging and supportive of me. I've known I was loved from the start but didn't see it that way.
By the grace of God, I was adopted when I was one day old. You see, my birth mother gave me up because she already had a child when I was born, and she couldn't handle having us both. So I have always been a Reid, and the older I get, the more thankful I become.
Unfortunately, I believed the lies of Satan from an early age because I thought that I was unwanted. A throwaway. Unworthy. The truth is I am chosen, but that was not where I found my identity and that led to insecurities galore...some that I still find myself battling today. I came to know Jesus at the age of nine and have had the head knowledge of who Christ is, but I did not push into him to know with my heart or just how intimate he is, how incredible.
Fast forward to high school.... I was a "good kid," somewhat well-known and active in my youth group. While I didn't find my identity in my social status, I did find it in the acceptance or rejection of people in general. I was active in my youth group because I knew God was good, but I somehow thought that my being good or not being bad would please Him. It's just who I was.
I dated some off and on but was never the girl guys lined up for because I was the one they joked around with. Ha. Some things never change. There was a guy I had liked for some time and before I knew it, we were dating some. He was a few years older than I was, so he was out of high school and the summer I was 17.
One day, I was at his house, and before I knew it, the months of fooling around had gone to a point of no return. We had sex. Let me say now that fooling around and seeing how far you can go is just as bad as sex because it all has the same goal; it's like playing with fire. See 1 Corinthians 6:19-20.
Asking the question of how far you can go is not a physical issue, but a heart one.
I was not his first, and it was obvious it hadn't meant anything to him. I immediately felt regret and shame. You see, I grew up in the fad of "true love waits," and while in church I was told, "don't have sex." I do not recall hearing a lot about what happens if you do or the grace that was available.
I knew that my parents loved me no matter what, but those lies I believed as a child were shouting at me that I would hurt and disappoint my parents. Therefore, I felt I couldn't tell anyone other than a few friends but those friends were sleeping with their boyfriends and just encouraged me to embrace it now that I had already done it.
I was so hurt because that guy broke my heart. He didn't want anything serious and had made it clear when I found a picture of his ex in his room that same day. Instead of being mad at him, I was mad at God. I had waited longer than most people my age and felt I was due happiness. Yes, I know how petty that sounds now but at the time, I used it as a license to cheapen God's grace and an excuse to live it up.
At that time, I was not facing the consequences, just embracing gratification in my (horribly selfish) choices. We were made for God's glory, not our circumstantial happiness.
When we live gratifying the flesh, we aren't loving Christ well, let alone ourselves or other people. It may feel like we are loving others just fine, but that's a lie.
I was using God's grace as a license to sin, but I didn't recognize it.
I would love to tell you I learned that lesson soon after, but I cannot. I started to find my worth in the sexual acceptance of the guys I decided to sleep with and casually date. I turned to sporadic drinking with the sole intent of getting drunk because that made those choices easier and "fun." I allowed the guys to use me as an object that just was good for sex and thought that eventually, they would see what a great catch I was and want to marry me.
My logic was so screwed up and I know it doesn't take a genius to realize I didn’t love well. I was using those guys to fill a void like they were using me. I knew what I was doing was wrong but just thought maybe that void and fear would be taken care of eventually.
When I graduated from high school, I saw moving to a new town as a chance to start over. I wouldn't be around the people that knew the old me and wouldn't have to confront my past because I was done with my old ways. I got plugged in here and was trying to be the good girl again. That only lasted so long and occasional drinking started again and eventually so did the sex.
I had confided in a friend about my past and the fact that I was doing it all again, and she loved me well. She did everything she could to point me to Christ. Her family did the same, as well as the youth pastor and his wife at my church.
They saw that I was worth more than the choices I was making, but I didn't. With those sins and other forms of irresponsibility, I still tried to hide what I did because of the fear of disappointment and failure.
Eventually I told my parents the general facts, but I still could not forgive myself for all of the things I had done. I could only see the first part of John 10:10 where the enemy was coming to steal, kill and destroy. I was broken and a failure. There was no way that anyone would ever be able to look at me with respect and see beauty. Just a woman who took advantage of the life God had saved years before and cheapened sex, grace, and goodness.
I didn't want to be that horrible example any longer and decided that I would take my own life. Yes. I tried to commit suicide and spoiler alert! I failed. :) I never told anyone about my thoughts because I was ashamed of them.
I want each of you to know that there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that you have done or will do to make God, your parents, or any of us, love you less. So if you've struggled with those thoughts, talk to someone because you were created to live a life that glorifies God and shows others what it means to live a life of grace and accountability.
Thankfully, God kept me here so I could see reality.
Yet again, He saved me from myself. My worth is in Him. Not my scandalous past. Not the bright future. Not in the hope I'll be ok. It is in Him. Jesus died because of my sins and yours. We know that. However, do we really sit back and view it in the perspective that He died for the way we are, not the way we will be?
The second part of John 10:10 talks about the fact that Christ came, so we could have life in abundance. It's in that life we are to love well. Not lead on well. Not cheat well. Not do work well. Love well. With love comes forgiveness. Both are choices we often have to make daily.
"Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony" (Colossians 3:12-14 ESV). This means we have to forgive others who hurt us and forgive ourselves, so we can put on that love.
What does that mean for me now? Well, I am in my early 30s and work in Human Resources for a living. I am so grateful for the opportunities God has allowed me to have. So many directions my life could have gone, but I get to interact with people of various stages of life and even be a missionary at my current job with opportunities to pray with employees and their families.
I don’t know what my future holds but I do know that challenges are worth it and forgiveness is breathtakingly beautiful. I say that because God knew all of the junk I was going to get into, but He still chose me. He chose you and Jeremiah 29:11 is truth...he has great plans for you. They may not be things you envisioned or hoped for, but I promise you, they are SO MUCH BETTER!
I want to share with you all the beauty of grace. One evening on my way to the church, God revealed to me that my husband WILL have a first with me. My heart. I've tried to give it away, but God has protected me and prevented that from happening fully. I think its part of the redemption in this story.
My husband won't be the first to have my body, but he will be the only other, besides Christ to have my heart.
If you've messed up, crossed lines, failed, etc...take hope in the fact that our Father loves you and wants the best for you. There's beauty in our brokenness, and He will restore.
What defines you? What brings you worth? What gives you hope and purpose? Now, I'm all about transparency and am not a fan of sugar coating so don't tell yourself the answer that you think you're supposed to have. Be honest with yourself. Is it who you think you'll be in ten years? Is it the person you're dating or have a crush on? Is it how much money your family has or the grades you make? What about your incredible gift of musicality or way with words?
Ephesians 2:4-10 says, "But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."
This is what should define us. This is confidence we can walk in. We are His!
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