When God Changes Your Plans

When God Changes Your Plans

by Kirstin Pfaehler

             I was broken. As humans, and especially as females, we don’t like to feel broken. It makes us feel weak. It felt as though I had no control over anything, but that’s a good thing. That’s when God steps in.

            I went to college last fall to study nursing. I prided myself on how much I was able to accomplish each day and how well I was doing in school. I had the control, and I liked having control. However, I was so confident in my abilities and in the control that I had, that I barely gave God a second thought. I was at a Christian college. I had chapel every day and prayer group every night. I went to an awesome church every Sunday. However, I barely had a personal relationship with Jesus.

              That’s the thing. You can appear to have it all together, and you can be in all the right places and doing all of the right things, but if you don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus, it’s worth nothing.

              I fought God daily for control. I wanted control over my circumstances, and I was holding tight to the things I wanted. I vividly remember times where I could feel God saying, “Kirstin, just let go of your control. Trust Me with this. Give it to Me. I will take care of you and My plans are far better than yours.” But I turned away from His voice and held on even tighter.

              I think that there comes a point when God has done every single thing to get your attention, but you are so stubborn that He has to break your pride. He completely broke my pride in a matter of a week. However, looking back on it, I can see how He was gradually doing different things to get my attention throughout the semester.

              I began dealing with serious anxiety problems, which ended up causing even more health problems. I found myself not eating and unable to sleep. I was scared of the effects the anxiety was having on me especially since serious mental illnesses run in my family. I did not want to get to the point where I was out of control of my own body.

              I ended up moving back home, switching schools, and the day after I got home, my boyfriend of over a year broke up with me because he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. I was completely devastated to say the least. I cried until my eyes were swollen pretty much every day for a week. For the next two months, there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t break down in tears. Once the third month came around, my breakdowns only happened every week or so.

                 My heart was shattered. The things and person that I had been holding on to so tightly were suddenly gone. It felt as though I was left standing in the middle of nowhere, looking around me, wondering where my life had gone. For a while, I was in complete shock. Just months ago I had it all planned out. I was on track to get my nursing degree from an awesome university, and after that I would marry my high school sweetheart.

               But within two days, my plan disappeared.

               I was mad at God. I didn’t want anything to do with Him or His so called “good plans” for me. All I wanted were my plans. My plans were good. But He took it all from me. I was well on my way in the complete opposite direction of God when He knocked some sense into me.

              Honestly, that’s how I would define that month or so of my life; God literally letting me fall flat on my face in order to knock some sense into me. One day He just broke down the walls of my bitter and hard heart.

                Once those walls came down, I let myself run back into the arms of the One who loves me more than anyone ever could. I let myself break in His arms. But this time, I was broken over my sin and my stubbornness. I bore the scars of my sin, and I slowly started to hand Him the broken pieces of my heart. I immersed myself in His Word. I started to take notes on the things I was reading, and I was left in awe of how much God was showing me simply through reading the Bible.

               I actually started talking about what God had been teaching me with people in person, on social media, and through my blog. I started praying! And not just the prayers I said before my meals, but I was talking to my Father. Suddenly, I was praying for 30 minutes without even realizing how long I had been praying. I was left in tears by the feeling of His presence as I poured out my heart to Him. I began craving more of His Word, more of His presence, and just more of Him. Jesus waits for us to come running back to Him, and when we do, He begins to open our eyes and pour out His buckets and buckets of blessings on us.

               Grace, hope, and redemption are words that I began using to define me after I allowed God to take over once again. Grace is God, and God is grace. God has mercy on me by not giving me the death and punishment that I so deserve. But grace is when God gives me more than I deserve.  Not only does He give me mercy by rescuing me from hell, but He also gives me grace by promising me an eternity in heaven. I have hope because of God’s grace.

                James 4:6 promises me that God gives more grace. God isn’t stingy in his distribution of grace, He is grace. I love the phrase “grace upon grace.” That sums up all of our lives, grace upon grace upon grace. He giveth more grace. Not only that, but those broken pieces and those weaknesses that you have, are what God uses! 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 tells me that God’s grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weaknesses! God is using those broken pieces of me that I gave Him to make something beautiful and full of His power.

               I am redeemed.

               I have been saved from death and hell.

               I am no longer a slave to myself and to sin, but I am a child of God!

               One of the most amazing things to me about being redeemed is that every single one of my sins is forgiven. When Jesus was on that cross, He bore the burden of every single sin of every single human being. Jesus thought of me, thought of my filthy terrible sins that I would commit, and He still died for me. He saw every single broken piece of me and still wanted me.

               The cross is where brokenness was made beautiful.

               I think about the sins I have committed and I am left feeling discouraged and broken. But when I look up from myself and look at the cross, I see where all of my sins have been forgiven. My filthiest dirtiest sins are not what define me. God’s grace and redemption are what define me, give me hope, and turn my brokenness into beauty.

                I have to decide every day to say “God, I’m giving you my broken pieces today in return for your beauty.” It’s a matter of daily surrender and choosing to claim God’s beauty and grace instead of my brokenness. I still struggle with feelings of guilt over the sins I committed in my relationship. I put my boyfriend as my number one priority, and I used the incredible amount of love that I had for him as an excuse to do that.

               Looking back, I’m embarrassed and ashamed that the one person that I loved more than anything (besides my family and friends) only saw me at my worst and didn’t see me love God and obey Him the way I should have.

               I have learned the hard way that no matter how much you love someone, if you don’t love God more than them, your relationship will never be what it should be.

               Even to this day I struggle with the thought that I was a stumbling block to him. I pray every day that my sinfulness and my mistakes have not caused him to walk away from God. I never thought that one of the consequences of my sin would be the burden of knowing that I was a part of leading someone astray that I care about more than anything. That is an extremely heavy burden to carry around. But, each day I have to lay that burden at the cross. I’ve asked for forgiveness and I’ve done everything I can to make it right so it is no longer my burden to bear.

                 God has promised me that His plans ARE greater than my plans. Therefore, I have hope. He has promised me that His grace is more than enough for anything I face in my life. Therefore, I have hope. God sees every single tear I have cried.

                 He has seen my heart shatter. He has seen me question my worth. He has seen me question Him. He has seen me ashamed and broken over the sins that I have committed. He has seen me at my lowest as I’m looking into the mirror with tears streaming down my face wondering if I’ll ever be ok again.

                  He has seen it all, and He doesn’t reject me. He doesn’t tell me to try harder.

                  He draws me into His loving arms and says “Give me your weaknesses, give me your broken pieces, and I will make them your strengths through my power.”

                   Don’t be ashamed of your brokenness. For in order to be made whole and beautiful, we must first be broken.

A note from the author..."I'll be praying for each of you that read this piece. I'll be praying that you allow God to turn your brokenness into beauty. Please don't hesitate to find me on Instagram and message me if there's something specific that I can pray for you about. I would love to hear your personal story of God's amazing grace!"