Self-Imposed Deadlines

By Robyn Tillery

I recently turned the big 4-0. In hindsight, the anticipation of it was worse than the actual experience of it. I am not sure what I expected... to wake up gray and wrinkled or arthritic and stooped, but none of those things happened. Instead, I've been pelted with self-reflection, evaluation, and insight.

Forty carries with it some big expectations.

By then, we (or maybe just I) think our lives should be sorted, our careers should be in place, our children happily growing with nary a sassy word or stomped foot in sight; mortgage, car payments and student loans dwindling, relationships solid.

This imaginary timeline says by forty you should have achieved a level of wisdom you can impart on younger generations, a peace about yourself that permeates the air around you, self-confidence just oozes from you, and you have the judgment of a saint. Your mistakes are minimal, and you are a role model for anyone looking in, your purpose in life has been realized, and everything you touch is golden. You no longer have youth as an excuse for not having it all together. The next big milestone is retirement. So, huge expectations, right?

In the weeks leading up to forty, as I realized none of those assumptions, not even one, were true for me, I started to panic.

Where did I go wrong? What should I have done differently? How badly did I screw up my kids? Will I ever be able to retire? Why am I working a job that I'm not destined for?

The clock in my head tick-ticked at an alarming pace, constantly reminding me that I was below expectations, I hadn't tried hard enough, I missed my chance, that I had failed. The voice in my head laughed at my anxiety and told me it was too late, I've wasted my time and now all I could do was settle. The closer forty got, the more I felt I had let myself down and the more I felt like I missed my opportunity.

So I began to pray and meditate. And then it dawned on me that my life is not my own, but a reflection of our Lord and Savior. His purpose resides inside of me (God has a purpose for everything He creates - including us. Isaiah 45:18) and even if it hasn't become clear to me yet, it will.

In the meantime, I am on a journey toward something spectacular.

This deadline I have put on my life was nothing more than a human construct fueled by the anxieties of the world around me.

The pressures of society saying we have to have it all together somehow construed into a time-bomb ready to explode at t-minus 40. As I gave these stresses over to God, I began to recognize all that I HAD accomplished and that I may never reach those fore-written goals. I meditated on Philippians 4:6-7, and a peace began to fill my soul.

I have released the need to please or fulfill worldly standards and refocused on the really important stuff: spirituality, relationships, connections, and personal growth.

If you're facing self-imposed deadlines, expectations, or unrealistic goals, I urge you to take a moment to breathe. Step away from the world and find the inner you who is calm and clear-sighted.

Break the chains that bind you to the world and fill your heart and mind with 1 John 4:4 -"You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world."

"Robyn is a new member of the 40 club and continues to seek beauty and kindness in a world of chaos."