Senior Year, Decision Day, & Trusting God
Senior Year, Decision Day, and Trusting God
By Kayleigh F.
I have always been a girl who likes to have things planned out.
I need the who/what/where/when for every situation before I make any sort of commitment. My favorite thing to shop for during back-to-school season is always a new planner. I love that sense of accomplishment (or, uh, mini adrenaline rush!) I get whenever I cross an item off a to-do list.
I am pretty sure that this love of planning and sorting originated during my high school years. As a violin player in the school orchestra, a writer for the school newspaper, a member of the National Honor Society, and an attendee of other various clubs, I found it impossible to manage my everyday routine without some sort of preparation and time management. And I guess I did a pretty good job. Those four years flew by relatively smoothly, and I was thriving as I experienced what I thought would be some of the best four years of my life.
Then came senior year, and the sobering reality that high school does not last forever. Cue the flood of graduation forms, college acceptance letters, scholarship applications, and every family member under the sun asking what my future plans were.
For the first substantial time in my life, I had no clue.
It was terrifying.
Having no idea what I wanted to do with my life when everyone else around me seemed to know their own future plans was the worst feeling. I remember the envy I felt as my classmates applied and got accepted to their dream schools, declaring majors in fields that had sparked their interest since they were little kids. Meanwhile I would toss and turn in bed every night, wondering which college was the best fit for me and wondering whether I should pursue my childhood dream of being an author.
I questioned God relentlessly, wondering why He couldn’t just reveal His plans for my life and save me so much stress. Yet He appeared to be silent, and so I decided to just back and wait. I knew that I wanted to honor God with my life, and I didn’t want to mess things up by making the wrong decision. I believed that passively waiting for a heavenly revelation was my best bet. But, of course, things don’t usually work like that.
With May 1st (National Decision Day) looming closer, I put off any thoughts about my future and focused on managing my life in the now and making the most of my last few months of high school. And when that day finally came, I hastily applied to community college, deciding that it would be a good idea to buy myself some more time to bargain with God so that I could figure out my next four years.
As I reflect back on this season of my life, I often wish that I could go back in time and shake my seventeen-year-old self by the shoulders. It is so funny to think of how desperately I wanted to be in control of my life. I thought that I was still honoring God by seeking His wisdom, but all I was doing was attempting to include God in my own plans and feeling frustrated when we weren’t on the same page.
I remember turning to scripture during that time and having mixed feelings about Jeremiah 29:11, which says, “ʻI know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” I loved the idea that God did in fact have plans for my life, but I soon came to realize that this verse doesn’t say anything about those plans coming to us at a convenient time. I hadn’t been willing to accept that God’s plans for my future would be revealed in His own time.
I had wanted to know on May 1, 2014. And when it didn’t happen, I didn’t know what to do.
The truth is that God does have plans for our lives.
His plan was for me to attend community college, fall in love with one of my English classes, and feel confident enough to major in writing once I transferred to a four-year university. It hasn’t always been an easy journey, but I have seen God at work in more ways than I could have imagined.
The thing is that God can and will guide us as we go about our journeys, but instead of giving us instant information, He asks us for something instead: surrender. He wants us to fully surrender our faith, our trust, and our control over our lives to Him. We have to trust that He won’t harm us and will give us hope, just as His Word promises.
While this may be perfectly reasonable in theory, we all know that it’s a lot more difficult to put into practice. I speak from experience. I did not want to relinquish control over my life. However, there was something more than that as well. My experience ended up bringing my attention to a problem that was much deeper than picking the right school or the right major.
I realized that I was such a planner because I was scared. Scared to give up control, scared to make the wrong decision, scared to disappoint myself and those who knew me, and even scared to put my full faith and trust in God.
Yikes.
Luckily, that’s where a whole lot of grace comes in. How beautiful is it that the same God who sees me attempt to take control of my life also turns to me with open arms when things don’t work out for me. He knows and He loves just the same.
I wish that I could say that I have come a long way and have learned to trust God more with my future plans and don’t need as much grace.
But I do need grace.
I still get scared when I don’t know what to do. I am about to start my final year in college, and I am starting to feel a little panicky whenever people ask me what I will be doing after I graduate. But that’s when I have to take a step back, breathe in deep, and remember that it is up to me to just trust God with my future.
And that doesn’t mean just sitting around and waiting for Him to move, which was my previous approach. That’s reassuring.
As long as I am doing something that I believe in my heart will help me honor and serve God, then great. If it’s the right path, God will reveal His blessing. And if it’s not the right path for me, God will guide me back to the course that leads directly to Him.
I just have to surrender my control and let Him do what He does best.
Kayleigh is a college student who loves Jesus, writing, her family, and ice cream.
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