Empathy for the Mean Girls

By Bridget Conlan

Middle school is rough. Hormones are raging, everyone is growth spurting at different rates, and few are spared from "the awkward phase." I'm definitely guilty of hiding (aka burning) more than one unflattering photo of myself from that era. It’s an awkward time, made worse by cruel behavior, cliques, and the ever-present "mean girls."

I remember my mother and other "adults" all seemed to give the same words of advice - "They're just jealous." Of what? I thought. I did not see beauty in the mirror; I saw frizzy hair that refused to be shiny and straight, red cat-eye glasses that my mother never should have allowed me to pick out, on a too-tall-for-6th-grade 5'7" frame.

What could they possibly be jealous of?

Recently, I learned that a girl I had categorized as a "mean girl" in junior high had lost a parent, suddenly, in elementary school. Another had struggled with an eating disorder throughout junior high. These girls who I had written off years ago as cruel monsters were human.

I was reminded of my sorority sisters who had gone through the tragedy of losing a parent, who had silently battled an eating disorder. I wondered if someone, somewhere had unknowingly labeled my funny, compassionate, and kind sorority sisters as a “mean girl” during her struggles. These revelations led me to re-evaluate the interactions I had with the middle school “mean girls” over a decade ago. I felt like I finally had the full picture, and I felt guilty for having judged them.

I probably would have had a hard time empathizing with these girls, even if I had known about their struggles at the time. At 13, my universe was self-centered, and though I thought I was very mature, I was severely lacking self-awareness and the ability to empathize. I was so focused on myself that I did not see the struggles of others. I did not see that I had things they were jealous of. Instead of asking “Are they being mean to me because they are going through something difficult that I can't see?" I wallowed in self-pity over their hurtful actions and lashed out in retaliation. It had never occurred to me that the reason they were picking on me had nothing to do with me at all.

The teen and tween years are difficult; characteristics like empathy and self-awareness that would help us navigate more complex social interactions have not yet fully developed. When we are told "They're just jealous" we are really being asked to empathize with our antagonizers, to find the root cause of their behavior which often has nothing to do with us. Once we dig beneath the surface and understand that they are saying hurtful things because they are hurting, we can forgive the "mean girl" instead of retaliating.

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye. You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Matthew 7:1-5

"Do to others as you would have them do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." Luke 6:31-36

Empathy for the Mean Girls

Empathy for the Mean Girls

By Bridget Conlan

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