Communication & Compromise
Communication & Compromise
By Bridget Conlan
It’s a beautiful March evening at the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina. My boyfriend and I sit on Adirondack chairs behind the hotel, overlooking a gorgeous landscape of grape vines, lush trees and gardens. This is exactly the escape I needed, having just finished up my Winter Quarter final exams at Northwestern University.
A couple and their teenage daughter walk up and sit a few chairs down from us. Immediately the parents begin berating their daughter for being on her phone instead of enjoying the scenery.
“Why don’t you put that thing down” “I swear you can’t go 10 minutes without it” “You should be appreciating the beautiful sunset in front of you” etc. I glance over and make eye contact with the parents, who give me an exasperated look – they are expecting me to sympathize with them. I keep quiet even though I am tempted to vocalize that I am 100% on their daughter’s side.
Clearly they have forgotten what it feels like to be forced to sit and look at a sunset as a teenager when you would rather be socializing with friends.
I’m not sure when I began enjoying the natural beauty of a deserted beach or a watercolor sunrise – maybe it happened slowly over time, or maybe it was like flipping on a light switch – but I definitely remember my parents yelling at me for not appreciating the beautiful surroundings on our various family vacations. And for the record, their annoyed comments didn’t do anything to help speed up the development of an appreciation for nature.
So first, let me apologize to all the tweens and teenagers that have been scolded for choosing a smartphone over a sunset.
Now that we’ve covered that I hope you’ll hear me out –
I think appreciation for nature is something that either develops over time or (for some people) never develops at all. In fact, I think a lot of “adult hobbies” fall into that category i.e. Antique-ing, home organization, reading the newspaper etc.
And that’s all well and good, but why do parents try to force their “adult interests” on their kids? I am not a parent but my guess would be they just want to enjoy these activities with their kids, not realizing that they’re actually boring them out of their minds. Trying to force someone to enjoy sitting in silence looking at a sunset is like arriving at the train station at 5am when your train is scheduled for 3pm – yelling and screaming for the train to come NOW isn’t going to be effective, and you’re just going to annoy everyone around you.
The concept of yelling at someone to try to force them to enjoy an activity that they find boring is honestly really ridiculous and nonsensical. So, assuming that parents are actually logical humans, there must be something else happening under the surface. Maybe they are under a lot of stress at work and just want to relax and enjoy their vacation.
Maybe they are feeling hurt or ignored because their kid is more interested in chatting with their friends than spending quality time with family. However, they aren’t vocalizing those issues, they’re yelling at you about the sunset.
Instead of working through the real issue, everyone is left feeling aggravated because there was a major communication failure.
While it might be tempting to yell back, roll your eyes or completely disengage – try to take a step back and consider the other person’s perspective. If you can do that you’ll be on your way to figuring out a compromise that meets both your needs and theirs – and that skill will serve you well in relationships for the rest of your life.
For example –
My boyfriend enjoys hiking through forest preserves, which I find rather boring and not worth the bug bites - and on the other hand, I am content to tan by the pool all day, an activity that he views as some form of gruesome torture. When our interests begin to butt heads we have to figure out a compromise – I’ll load up on bug spray and agree to go on a (paved!) walk at the local forest preserve, and he’ll entertain himself by snorkeling while I work on my tan at the beach. These compromises allow us to co-exist peacefully; we both get to enjoy our favorite activities and slightly expand our horizons.
So, if sunsets just don’t do it for you, that’s fine. Maybe you can (respectfully) remind your parents that they probably didn’t find nature’s scenery so stimulating when they were your age. I can’t promise that you won’t be dragged along on (many) more boring excursions, but suggesting a compromise cannot hurt.
Even if you are stuck doing something that bores you, if it brings joy to your parents or others you can find fulfillment in that fact.
As Philippians 2:3-4 says, "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others."
Whether it is through finding a compromise or simply doing what someone else loves, there is selflessness and true joy in the act of letting someone else’s happiness come before your own.
Bridget is a 24-year-old rock star. Currently, Bridget is running an incredible small business and dating her high school sweetheart. Photo credit to the unbelievably talented Courtney Cimo who is also the world's best wedding videographer (seriously, if you are planning a wedding, check out her website!). http://www.courtneycimo.com/
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